FRANKLY SPEAKING – 2

FRANKLY SPEAKING – 2

 

The more I think of it the more I am inclined to believe that the time I am allotting to look at myself is reducing further and further. To be brutally frank, I know very little of myself, my abilities and my weaknesses. Yet I invariably find time to monitor what others are doing. Look at the contradiction in me. While I show little inclination to know myself, I look at every excuse to bring someone else under microscope. Now why this tendency? Why this attitude? May I am trying to conceal my shortcomings. May be I find it difficult to accept my limitations. The ego in me is difficult to dislodge. When I commit a mistake, I find it the most difficult task to admit it. ‘Yes, I made a mistake’ proves elusive. Given the option, I would somehow try to pass the buck. Passing the buck has become a way of life. Surely the buck must stop. Yes, it must stop. But where? Certainly not with me. I have ten reasons why I can not be held liable. And all ten reasons appear genuine and reasonable. So the buck passes. I know the buck must stop. Yet I do little to stop it. I am a bundle of contradiction.

Oh! Yes, there was one incident where someone had the courage to stop the buck. This is no hearsay for it happened in my branch itself. It required a couple of telegrams and personal call from DM – besides several reminders – before we would dispatch a statement on edible oil! We received a letter from the Divisional Office seeking explanation for the delay and also the officer’s name so that expenses incurred could be recovered.

The Manager replied: ‘the recent shuffle in the department caused the delay as the new staff took some time to get accustomed to the department. As the head of the branch, I own the responsibility for the delay and hence the expenses may be recovered from me’. Some MAN. Some REPLY. The manager could have pleaded one hundred excuses and the officer could equally have passed the buck back. What would otherwise have been an endless toss of buck was stopped so graciously by the man in charge. I salute this man. The reaction of the staff on going through the DO’s letter varied but one comment was common: don’t they make mistakes? Meaning, Do was at fault to make an issue of it. Well, if one tries to camouflage the wrong doing by pointing out the mistakes of the other, there would be endless charges and counter charges. The effect of such illogical arguments would be disastrous on the institution.

I have never made an attempt to know why my efficiency is going down, why my loyalty to the institution is proving elusive. What prevents me from giving one hundred per cent to the institution? Again, I find myself to be a bundle of contradiction. I have the capacity to work more than what is allotted to me. Yet I deliberately justify my under working by pointing out others’ contribution (or the lack of it). I turn blind eye to those few who are giving their best. This attitude is disgusting. I am itching to know everything about my privileges. Ironically, I do not show the same degree of concern when it comes to my responsibility. What amount of work will justify my pay? What do I owe to the institution? I will have none of it.

Pleading ignorance is becoming alarmingly common. A proposed change in the department makes me run for cover. I would resist new responsibility. I plead ignorance. I do it so matter-of-factly. Without a trace of shame. I don’t want loans department. I prefer to continue in day book. This attitude is sad and needs to be arrested. Why is it that I am less and less inclined to improve myself? Despite being protected so heavily – my pay is assured, all my privileges are available – I care little to add to my knowledge. Unless I give my best to the institution – which has given me so much – it will slide. I don’t want that to happen. Yet I am doing little to inspire confidence. Again a bundle of contradictions.

I know that all good things must be appreciated. Yet I find myself in an uncontrollable rage when our manager asks me to be punctual. When he asks for leave letter, I just give him a piece of my mind. Is it not my duty to maintain office timings? Is it not my duty to submit leave letter promptly? Should I be reminded of these basic duties? Deep inside me I know what I am doing is wrong. Yet I don’t want to admit it. Neither do I stop doing it. This is arrogance. And this arrogance must end. If it does not end by itself, it should be brought to end.