MY DEAR PIGMY SUSPENSE

Well, the primary intention of writing this is to tickle a rib or two. With this in mind, let me inch towards my first encounter with Pigmy Suspense, which is indelibly etched in my memory. I had seen how my colleagues had a torrid time tallying it the previous week. It was a not-too-encouraging sight for an infant like me. Infant, for I am still ‘probing’ in the banking industry. I had been briefed about how to proceed and also as to how elusive the errors prove to be.

I began the gigantic task. I re-arranged the cards in ascending order. The sight of PCs was revolting so much so that – this I learnt through what I am tempted to term a ‘heart-to-heart-talk’ with an ageing colleague – nine out of ten employees would cling like limpet to Postal Outward, given the option. This home-truth notwithstanding, the atmosphere, I felt, reeked of excitement. I felt challenged. Suitably I braced myself up for the ensuing confrontation. I drenched the tip of my eighth finger from left and cautiously drew the first card. Oh, damn it! Here, I am at it for the first time and my first card should prove to be a troublemaker. I cast a devilish glance at it. The number was hopelessly overwritten, rendering it extremely illegible. The digit could be anything between one and nine. I lent a keen right eye over it. No use. It was while my right eye was still eyeing that my left eye – I always reposed a great faith in LE and knowing its breath taking efficiency I’d made the division of labor accordingly: RE for the dirty work and LE for the finer things even while hastening to concede that both are complementary – spotted the trail. ‘Yippyyu’, the LE let out a cry. Well, I feel rather compelled at this juncture to make you feel at home to this somewhat strange sort of address. To be precise, ‘Yippiyyu’ for the eyes is tantamount to the ‘Hello’ that we are accustomed to. I suppose I have succeeded in clearing the fogged look on your faces, haven’t I ? Let me progress. “Save your stare dear”, LE said to RE. “It is the sexy six. Look how it has fenced itself with strong brackets!”. Scarce wonder that once it has come out of its safety, it has been smudged all over!

The tragic beginning was indeed knee-jarring. Not to be done in I surged forward, drenching you know which finger – eighth from left in case you have yet to come to surface, what after a none-too-welcome opening encounter – flicking the card up….. A sharp sound of knuckle on the counter arrested further work. The man allowing only one-sixth of him to be seen – the counter between us camouflaging the balance which in any case is hopelessly irrelevant – thrust a hand with a twenty paise coin. Oh! How forgetful I am. I was placed here primarily to look after postal outward, a mostly-not-sought-after department. And now I was required to give a revenue stamp.

 

I resumed the battle, taking in my stride the general interruptions. Fourth last card, third last card, second last card and the final card. I had eventually come to the end of the first round. The next step – I shuddered to think of it – was totaling. If there is one thing I am good at, it is totaling. My colleagues would readily corroborate me. Not because I total faultlessly. It is for the simple reason that I am bound to commit fewer errors! I began to count. Six, seven thirteen two fifteen nine twen-‘revenue stamp please’ and I heard the sound of two ten paise coins whirring before they came to rest on the counter. I paused, rose and my counting froze. I cast a homicidal glare at the man. I was never so angry before. If there is one thing that I would never want it to happen to anyone and that includes my worst enemy, it is an interruption while you are totalling. My colleagues would readily acknowledge. But then this terrible rush of blood was intercepted by a timely flash of our symbol – by now very popular – “FAITHFUL FRIENDLY”. My homicidal glare died down and I was all smiles as I issued the stamp. I resumed totalling. Scarce use in dwelling over the perennial assaults by way of requests for revenue stamps that were launched. Suffice it to say that at one particular time I had to count one vertical line – in this case we are supposed to count vertically – packed with seventeen numbers of, on an average, three digits each, five times before I could complete it! Undaunted, I set up a furious pace. At last I was coming to the end of it. One thousand four hundred sixty seven P fifty I scribbled on the last page and a sigh of relief gushed out of me. Of course, this wasn’t the end. I had now to take the total of each page separately. Then total it to arrive at a figure that I am tempted to refer as D-Figure. I will tell you why. The day the Allies schemed to attack North France is known as the D-Day. It was inestimably important. This figure here is no less important. Hence, the name: D-Figure! I promptly began the final exercise. I recorded them. Even as I began to total, my heart-beat doubled. I began to sweat. Here I was on to the fifth and the final column. I grew tense. And there I found myself facing an amazingly tantalyzing figure: Rs XXXXX. I yelled for GL. I located Pigmy Suspense A/c. the sight of the GL figure jarred me. It was a different amount. It was indeed heartbreaking. I had taken every pain to ensure accuracy. Yet this difference. Such was the intensity of my feeling that when the Manager cast an enquiring look. I was crushed by a wave of shame. A couple of encouraging words from a senior colleague cheered me up a bit and I began to trace the cause. It was a tiresome job indeed to go back all over again. I did just that. Checked each entry, totalled each page. And the final grand total I checked after verifying the extractions. Damn it! Everything was perfect. It puzzled me. It puzzled everyone. It just had to tally. It was here more than at any other time that I was immeasurably pleased with the brilliance of my LE. All along, I had a vague sense of familiarity that existed between the figure of the present week and that of the last. My left eye gave a furious stare at the date of Pigmy Card. The Pigmy Cards that I had entered were those of the previous week! Small wonder it didn’t tally. Indeed, tallying Pigmy Suspense reeks of awful suspense!